“The way God ordained it, we don’t just need our vertical relationship with Him to make it in life and marriage. We need one another. We need Hebrews 10:24-25 kind of people. We need folks around us to cheer us on and even to question us and hold us accountable. We need people who will not only pray for us but laugh with us and cry with us. Eat Mexican food with us. Live life with us! We need more than Facebook and blogs and tweets, as much as I enjoy them. We need real people and real face-to-face, life-to-life relationships.”

I have been thinking about this concept a lot lately. I am hesitant to be as transparent as I probably need to be when it comes to these thoughts. It seems silly to me to verbalize this but I don’t think I have ever felt quite this lonely before. I have spent more time alone in the last year than I think I ever have in my life. As I say this I realize that probably sounds ridiculous. Cam and I are in a great place in our relationship and truthfully, I am not really ever alone because I always have the boys with me. I also have sisters (of whom I am incredibly thankful for) but being the “big sister” presents some challenges for me in terms of accepting a reciprocal relationship (my issue, not theirs). I also have lots of acquaintances, people who I know a little and who know me a little or know me a lot (I tend to be a pretty open book). All of those relationships are a blessing and I am thankful but what I am specifically talking about is a friendship- like someone to hang out with, to go to coffee with, to go for a walk with, to hang out at the beach with, someone to call when things are going well and when things are difficult. Someone who knows me, loves me, challenges me and who knows my family and loves them too. Like Beth says above, someone to “live life with” and I want to be that kind of friend for someone too.

Over the last year I have tried to spiritualize it, believing that maybe God has me in this season for a reason, that I am supposed to learn that He is that kind of friend and so much more but honestly I am still just lonely! I know God is that kind of friend and we spend time together and I do feel loved and known by Him and I wouldn’t trade that for anything but I would like to have a buddy too! God created us to need people, to desire community and to live life with others. I know that it is my responsibility to do something if I want things to change but right now it just feels so scary! The more isolated I feel the less likely I am to reach out or make a phone call. My head swarms with warnings and fears of rejection. As Holly and I were talking the other day, we had an epiphany, for an extrovert (I’m like 99.9% extrovert) being alone is just as exhausting as it is for an introvert to be with people constantly. Being alone drains me.

For me, writing this is hard. It feels like an want ad for friendship or like I am looking for sympathy! It’s not either. I am a verbal processor and often work stuff out with words. Writing this is an attempt to fight my pride and just be honest about where I am at. Another thing that makes writing this awkward is that I am not sure what my “next step” is yet. So for now, I’ll just end with these verses from Hebrews:

“And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near.” Hebrews 10:24-25 (ESV)

A wedding and an anniversary! Yesterday Cam officiated the wedding of our friends Thomas and Jess Haymaker. We are happy to share our anniversary with such a sweet couple! Their wedding was lovely and their vows were beautiful and sincere. You could feel the love and sense the excitement they felt about starting their married life together. They reminded me of how Cam and I felt on the day of our wedding (12 years ago). We wanted to be married more than anything and to begin living life together.

Each year on our anniversary, we look back and say to each other, “This was the best year yet!” This year represents so much growth and new levels of trust and respect for each other. We have watched each other push ourselves beyond our assumed limits and have cheered and encouraged one another in doing so. I feel the most vulnerable I have ever felt and yet so safe and secure. For all the wonderful aspects of our relationship, there are definitely challenges and struggles. We are just two broken sinners trying to figure this thing out together! The security and peace that I feel at this point in our marriage is a direct result of the fact that Cam and I desire to seek God first and what’s in each others best interest second. God alone is our security and our strength. We are confident that without His love poured into us, we would not have what we need to love each other well.

I pray that year after year we will continue to say, “This was the best year yet!”

[photo credit:  Scott Kallin]

Favorite night of the week -Friday.

Favorite place to have dinner out right now -Milagros Mexican Restaurant in Fairhaven.

Favorite food- Fajita taco salad

Favorite park- Boulevard.

Favorite person- Cam.

We love you so much Audrey Faith! It’s hard to believe you are already a year old. You have such a sweet spirit and a very engaging manner. Your life has brought so much joy and we are blessed to be your family! Happy Birthday to you Baby Girl!

We have had a whirlwind 2 weeks! Another memorable visit to the Magic Kingdom (this time was extra special because Holly & Shane came too); Kelly’s graduation from Biola; visiting friends in Huntington Beach; home for about 40 hours (in which we had Aliza and Audrey stay with us for about 30 of those hours); then off to Eugene for a few days for Grandpa Art’s memorial service. Whew… just writing all of that makes me tired! We had a great time but are all really glad to be home and back to our routines.

Check out more pictures here!

This week in our homework we studied the concept of reconciliation. Angela provides a chart to be filled out based on the following criteria: “Write the name or initials of person(s) who may have something against you. Next write your part of the responsibility. Finally, write what the Lord is calling you to surrender in each relationship.” After completing the chart she then charged us with these words, “Go immediately and work toward making things right.” In a paragraph below she says, “This may open up a huge can of worms for you. Some things cannot be resolved overnight or in one conversation. One heartfelt apology might not get it. You may need to seek wise counsel from your church leaders, a godly counselor, or a friend who understands your heart.”

I found myself being a little fired up when reading through this exercise. I have a proclivity to assume way too much responsibility in my relationships and tend toward owning the outcome of things beyond my control. As I began to think about what I might share with the women during my devotional time at Bible study last night I felt compelled to share what the Lord has been teaching me over the last couple years with regards to forgiveness and reconciliation.

I don’t disagree with what Angela said or the assignment she gave, I just wanted to clarify a couple things. I know that there is more than a small group of women out there that are on hyper-alert regarding how they may have hurt or offended anyone. This type of overly developed, critical, self-inventory can be paralyzing and burdensome to women and their relationships. Often times, we too quickly jump to take responsibility for an offense of any kind. We begin apologizing and pursuing “reconciliation” when in fact we are truly the one who was legitimately offended! I hope someone other than me needs to hear this: just because someone may declare they have something against you doesn’t necessarily make it valid. Sometimes people are offended for just plain ridiculous reasons.

There is a great story in Matthew chapter 15:1-20 about an encounter between Jesus, the disciples and the Pharisees. The Pharisees are offended that the disciples didn’t wash their hands before eating. Jesus essentially responds to their hypocrisy and explains how they are being ridiculous. He says, “Listen and understand. What goes into a man’s mouth does not make him ‘unclean,’ but what comes out of his mouth, that is what makes him ‘unclean.’” The disciples come to Jesus and ask, “Do you know that the Pharisees were offended when they heard this?” Jesus goes on to say that it is what comes out of the heart that makes one ‘unclean’ “but eating with unwashed hands does not make him ‘unclean.’” Don’t get confused by the “clean” and “unclean” but recognize the idea that the Pharisees were offended by Jesus. In fact, tons of people were offended by Jesus. Sometimes even when we do the right thing we offend others. The Bible tells us repeatedly that the disciples experienced persecution and that we should expect the same. I don’t think we will be persecuted because we walk around affirming everyone and every behavior or choice!

I do believe that it is very important to stop and take inventory in our relationships and ask the Lord if we need to make restitution or if we need to be enabled to forgive someone. We also need to consider if our words, actions or choices have legitimately offended anyone. There is a standard and it is not based solely on how a person feels! The Bible is our black and white standard. We need to ask ourselves, “Did I sin against them?” “Am I experiencing conviction from the Holy Spirit?” If we ask honestly, from our hearts, God will be faithful to reveal to us what our responsibility is and what it isn’t.

In a situation where “offense” has been taken that isn’t legitimate, our responsibility is to leave an open door for a reconciled relationship. We need to lay down our defenses, our hurts, our judgement and any anger we may have at the feet of Jesus. As we lay down these “stones” that only harden our hearts and create distance from us and our Savior, He will, in return give us the “gifts” of freedom, peace and forgiveness. We need forgiveness for our judgements toward a person who may have unfairly held something against us and we need Jesus to give us a seed of forgiveness that can grow to extend to the person who hurt us.

These are the questions we need to ask ourselves, “Do I have an open door for reconciliation to occur?” “Am I pursuing forgiveness from God for my sin and asking Him to enable me to forgive the wrongs committed against me?”

One really important thing to keep in mind is that there is a BIG difference between forgiveness and reconciliation! There are a couple of quotes from pastors, whom I trust and respect, that have helped me understand the difference over the last 18 months.

“Reconciliation doesn’t look like forgiveness. Reconciliation takes two people, forgiveness just takes one. You can forgive someone but until they repent, you are not reconciled. What Christians do in the foolish misunderstanding of reconciliation is this, “You did something bad I am going to forgive you and we are still going to hang out even though you abused me, stole from me, lied to me (fill in the blank). That is not reconciliation- that is enabling.” ~Mark Driscoll

“Being restored is up to the offender- not to you”
~Grant Fishbook

In Hebrews we read that the Word of God is “living and active” and that it alone “judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.” God knows our heart and we can not hide what is truly in it from Him. He can help us test our perceived convictions by the standard of His Word. If we have a responsibility to pursue reconciliation we can trust Him to direct us toward that end.

“Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.”
~Psalm 139:23-24

]]> http://www.h2os.org/archives/bydate/2010/05/11/forgiveness-vs-reconciliation/feed 1 http://www.h2os.org/archives/bydate/2010/04/25/sneak-peek http://www.h2os.org/archives/bydate/2010/04/25/sneak-peek#comments Mon, 26 Apr 2010 02:25:18 +0000 betsy http://www.h2os.org/?p=8881 Here’s the preview I promised you!

This little man was SO sweet! He was such a good sport this afternoon as I followed him around Boulevard Park with a camera in his face. You could tell this little guy is such a joy to his parents. I’m so glad that weather and health cooperated with us to make this happen today!

]]> http://www.h2os.org/archives/bydate/2010/04/25/sneak-peek/feed 0 http://www.h2os.org/archives/bydate/2010/04/15/8876 http://www.h2os.org/archives/bydate/2010/04/15/8876#comments Thu, 15 Apr 2010 18:39:22 +0000 betsy http://www.h2os.org/?p=8876

]]> http://www.h2os.org/archives/bydate/2010/04/15/8876/feed 0 http://www.h2os.org/archives/bydate/2010/03/27/the-boys-2 http://www.h2os.org/archives/bydate/2010/03/27/the-boys-2#comments Sun, 28 Mar 2010 06:24:46 +0000 betsy http://www.h2os.org/?p=8873

Cam has been gone since Thursday morning and we miss him a lot! The boys and I spend tons of time together throughout the week- like pretty much most of our waking hours- and we very much look forward to having dad home in the evening and on the weekends. In Cam’s absence, the weekend has definitely had it’s ups and downs.

This picture was from today at Boulevard- one of the “up” moments of the weekend :) Being brothers is so different than being sisters- for many obvious reasons but mainly I see the differences in terms of the physical expressions. My sisters and I would find the smallest couch, chair, bed or whatever and all pile onto it like “puppies” as Cam would call us. Sean and Caleb also are like “puppies” but in a more aggressive way. They are always in constant contact with each other but it’s more like wrestling for who’s most dominant. They love each other more than words can describe but they also find their best/worst opponent in each other. Some days it’s very balanced and then there are days like today…

Looking forward to finishing out our weekend with Cam tomorrow!

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