Thinking about stuff…
I read this post today on the Living Proof Blog:
“The way God ordained it, we don’t just need our vertical relationship with Him to make it in life and marriage. We need one another. We need Hebrews 10:24-25 kind of people. We need folks around us to cheer us on and even to question us and hold us accountable. We need people who will not only pray for us but laugh with us and cry with us. Eat Mexican food with us. Live life with us! We need more than Facebook and blogs and tweets, as much as I enjoy them. We need real people and real face-to-face, life-to-life relationships.”
I have been thinking about this concept a lot lately. I am hesitant to be as transparent as I probably need to be when it comes to these thoughts. It seems silly to me to verbalize this but I don’t think I have ever felt quite this lonely before. I have spent more time alone in the last year than I think I ever have in my life. As I say this I realize that probably sounds ridiculous. Cam and I are in a great place in our relationship and truthfully, I am not really ever alone because I always have the boys with me. I also have sisters (of whom I am incredibly thankful for) but being the “big sister” presents some challenges for me in terms of accepting a reciprocal relationship (my issue, not theirs). I also have lots of acquaintances, people who I know a little and who know me a little or know me a lot (I tend to be a pretty open book). All of those relationships are a blessing and I am thankful but what I am specifically talking about is a friendship- like someone to hang out with, to go to coffee with, to go for a walk with, to hang out at the beach with, someone to call when things are going well and when things are difficult. Someone who knows me, loves me, challenges me and who knows my family and loves them too. Like Beth says above, someone to “live life with” and I want to be that kind of friend for someone too.
Over the last year I have tried to spiritualize it, believing that maybe God has me in this season for a reason, that I am supposed to learn that He is that kind of friend and so much more but honestly I am still just lonely! I know God is that kind of friend and we spend time together and I do feel loved and known by Him and I wouldn’t trade that for anything but I would like to have a buddy too! God created us to need people, to desire community and to live life with others. I know that it is my responsibility to do something if I want things to change but right now it just feels so scary! The more isolated I feel the less likely I am to reach out or make a phone call. My head swarms with warnings and fears of rejection. As Holly and I were talking the other day, we had an epiphany, for an extrovert (I’m like 99.9% extrovert) being alone is just as exhausting as it is for an introvert to be with people constantly. Being alone drains me.
For me, writing this is hard. It feels like an want ad for friendship or like I am looking for sympathy! It’s not either. I am a verbal processor and often work stuff out with words. Writing this is an attempt to fight my pride and just be honest about where I am at. Another thing that makes writing this awkward is that I am not sure what my “next step” is yet. So for now, I’ll just end with these verses from Hebrews:
“And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near.” Hebrews 10:24-25 (ESV)