forgiveness vs. reconciliation
This spring I have been working through A Beautiful Offering, a study by Angela Thomas. The study is based on the Sermon on the Mount from Matthew chapter 5. I have loved this study! The material and teaching have been like a refreshing water for my soul. It has challenged, encouraged and inspired me.
This week in our homework we studied the concept of reconciliation. Angela provides a chart to be filled out based on the following criteria: “Write the name or initials of person(s) who may have something against you. Next write your part of the responsibility. Finally, write what the Lord is calling you to surrender in each relationship.” After completing the chart she then charged us with these words, “Go immediately and work toward making things right.” In a paragraph below she says, “This may open up a huge can of worms for you. Some things cannot be resolved overnight or in one conversation. One heartfelt apology might not get it. You may need to seek wise counsel from your church leaders, a godly counselor, or a friend who understands your heart.”
I found myself being a little fired up when reading through this exercise. I have a proclivity to assume way too much responsibility in my relationships and tend toward owning the outcome of things beyond my control. As I began to think about what I might share with the women during my devotional time at Bible study last night I felt compelled to share what the Lord has been teaching me over the last couple years with regards to forgiveness and reconciliation.
I don’t disagree with what Angela said or the assignment she gave, I just wanted to clarify a couple things. I know that there is more than a small group of women out there that are on hyper-alert regarding how they may have hurt or offended anyone. This type of overly developed, critical, self-inventory can be paralyzing and burdensome to women and their relationships. Often times, we too quickly jump to take responsibility for an offense of any kind. We begin apologizing and pursuing “reconciliation” when in fact we are truly the one who was legitimately offended! I hope someone other than me needs to hear this: just because someone may declare they have something against you doesn’t necessarily make it valid. Sometimes people are offended for just plain ridiculous reasons.
There is a great story in Matthew chapter 15:1-20 about an encounter between Jesus, the disciples and the Pharisees. The Pharisees are offended that the disciples didn’t wash their hands before eating. Jesus essentially responds to their hypocrisy and explains how they are being ridiculous. He says, “Listen and understand. What goes into a man’s mouth does not make him ‘unclean,’ but what comes out of his mouth, that is what makes him ‘unclean.’” The disciples come to Jesus and ask, “Do you know that the Pharisees were offended when they heard this?” Jesus goes on to say that it is what comes out of the heart that makes one ‘unclean’ “but eating with unwashed hands does not make him ‘unclean.’” Don’t get confused by the “clean” and “unclean” but recognize the idea that the Pharisees were offended by Jesus. In fact, tons of people were offended by Jesus. Sometimes even when we do the right thing we offend others. The Bible tells us repeatedly that the disciples experienced persecution and that we should expect the same. I don’t think we will be persecuted because we walk around affirming everyone and every behavior or choice!
I do believe that it is very important to stop and take inventory in our relationships and ask the Lord if we need to make restitution or if we need to be enabled to forgive someone. We also need to consider if our words, actions or choices have legitimately offended anyone. There is a standard and it is not based solely on how a person feels! The Bible is our black and white standard. We need to ask ourselves, “Did I sin against them?” “Am I experiencing conviction from the Holy Spirit?” If we ask honestly, from our hearts, God will be faithful to reveal to us what our responsibility is and what it isn’t.
In a situation where “offense” has been taken that isn’t legitimate, our responsibility is to leave an open door for a reconciled relationship. We need to lay down our defenses, our hurts, our judgement and any anger we may have at the feet of Jesus. As we lay down these “stones” that only harden our hearts and create distance from us and our Savior, He will, in return give us the “gifts” of freedom, peace and forgiveness. We need forgiveness for our judgements toward a person who may have unfairly held something against us and we need Jesus to give us a seed of forgiveness that can grow to extend to the person who hurt us.
These are the questions we need to ask ourselves, “Do I have an open door for reconciliation to occur?” “Am I pursuing forgiveness from God for my sin and asking Him to enable me to forgive the wrongs committed against me?”
One really important thing to keep in mind is that there is a BIG difference between forgiveness and reconciliation! There are a couple of quotes from pastors, whom I trust and respect, that have helped me understand the difference over the last 18 months.
“Reconciliation doesn’t look like forgiveness. Reconciliation takes two people, forgiveness just takes one. You can forgive someone but until they repent, you are not reconciled. What Christians do in the foolish misunderstanding of reconciliation is this, “You did something bad I am going to forgive you and we are still going to hang out even though you abused me, stole from me, lied to me (fill in the blank). That is not reconciliation- that is enabling.” ~Mark Driscoll
“Being restored is up to the offender- not to you”
~Grant Fishbook
In Hebrews we read that the Word of God is “living and active” and that it alone “judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.” God knows our heart and we can not hide what is truly in it from Him. He can help us test our perceived convictions by the standard of His Word. If we have a responsibility to pursue reconciliation we can trust Him to direct us toward that end.
“Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.”
~Psalm 139:23-24
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