is very much loved. When I uploaded pictures the other night something about this shot just made me gasp. I don’t know if it’s the lighting, the expression on her face or both, but I just love this picture. Aliza is growing up so fast! She is so smart and so fun! Just a few more weeks until her baby sister arrives. It is so wonderful to have all these little girls in our family!
I just uploaded a bunch of pictures to Flickr from this past week in school. We had the best week! We focused on the vikings and did all sorts of projects and related learning activities. Check out these crazy kids!
The Uninvited ipod Great Expectations release
“Where shall we see a better daughter or a kinder sister or a truer friend.”
– Jane Austen
Today I took a moment to look back over the last several months of posts on this blog. I noticed that I haven’t written much since the fall. I am feeling reflective today so brace yourself—this could be lengthy. I find myself looking back to the beginning of the school year and trying to remember what I was thinking as I planned our schedule for the year. I was really optimistic! There are so many things that never manifested as anything more than a good intention. Having so many cool ideas that never came off the drawing board leaves me feeling a bit sad and wondering—what did we do this year? Here’s my attempt to fill in the gaps.
September
I covered this month pretty well—until the very end when Cam was laid off. I said very little about that entire process because it took everything in me to hang on to the hope I had that God would take care of us—that He had a plan and would provide. Of course, God was incredibly faithful; it just took a little time for Him to prepare us for what He had in store. It was a huge blessing for me to have so much accountability in leadership throughout September, October, November and December. Cam and I were leading a small group. I was counseling at the WCPC and helping lead Monday night Bible study at CTK. In addition I had my responsibilities to the boys parenting and home schooling. I felt like everyone was watching me to see if I really believed what I said I believed about God’s faithfulness.
October
Toward the end of the month I had my first meltdown. The outcome was me letting go of the control I was trying to assert over what options Cam would pursue for work. I told him I trusted him and that he could start his own business if that’s where he felt called. Meanwhile, I prayed harder that God would help me trust Him and rely on Him and not Cam. I told Cam I trusted him with the work stuff before I actually did trust him and I relied on God to make it be so. The boys and I continued to try to stay on track and plug away at school. It was challenging to stay focused and have Cam home ALL the time! I just wanted to hang out with him all day, everyday. I really love spending time with him. He is my best friend, my cheerleader, my counselor and my confidant. Surprisingly, we had very little conflict during those months, considering the uncertainty we faced.
November
I did write a little more this month. I was forced to look at it and process it as I had to come up with a devotional talk for Monday night Bible study. I was pretty vulnerable but there was still so much more happening beneath the surface that I couldn’t even put into words. I was really broken, feeling out of control and deeply sad. Mid-month we drew a really hard boundary that literally felt like it ripped my guts out to draw. Our family life changed. Our holidays changed. Someone was missing and having to face that we may never be reconciled wrecked me, but I said I was fine. I felt simultaneously relived and heartbroken. Relieved because the unpredictability and fear would no longer be there. I wouldn’t have to constantly be on guard and protective of myself and the family that I love but it meant excluding someone else that I love. My respect for Cam grew so much through this act of love and protection. Once this boundary was drawn I felt treasured, loved, honored and esteemed by Cam in a whole new way. I felt worthy. Some days it felt awful though and I wondered if we made the right decision. But more than ever I knew I was safely “in the shadow of His wing”. My second meltdown happened this month (not coincidentally the same time of the month as the previous month—although it still took me by surprise).
December
We had decided long before Cam got laid-off that we were going to do very few and inexpensive Christmas gifts. We spent December trying to enjoy the truth of the season. We took a fun trip to Seattle on the Amtrak and enjoyed the time as a family and freedom we had to spend time together. In retrospect, we should have enjoyed it more. Our school schedule was daily being left by the wayside. It was making me a little crazy but I also felt like I just needed to be okay with it. We kept up on the fundamentals but all the extras, all the really cool projects I had hoped to get to just didn’t materialize. The boys continued enjoying guitar lessons and book club. A quick note on book club—it has been one of the highlights of our school year. I couldn’t even put into words what a blessing it has been to have that every other week! Kim Wallace has been such a gift from God! The boys have learned a ton and it has been so encouraging for me to meet with other home schooling moms. I looked forward to each and every book club Monday, knowing that there would be good conversation and good coffee at Kim’s house. Sean turned ten! Christmas was simple and sweet. We were snowed in for days together and it was actually quite peaceful. I loved the days that Scott would bring Sara and Aliza in and we’d spend the day together drinking cocoa and watching the boys play in the snow. The Sunday afternoon before New Years Eve, Cam received an interesting email that led to a meeting over coffee, an interview and then a job offer on New Years Eve! Praise You God!
January
Joy, joy, joy. I felt like my feet didn’t touch the floor for days! I told anyone and everyone about how awesome my God is. How He provided and how the peace He had given to both Cam and I was not in vain. I praised God for answering the years of prayers I had been praying to bless Cam. So many things came into focus over the next weeks and months. The path that God had provided suddenly was illuminated behind us and we were thankful for ALL of it. We decided to take off down to the Watters’ family beach cabin on the Oregon Coast for about a week before Cam started his new job. We had the best time! It was beautiful, peaceful, relaxing and it felt like closure to a season that had been wrought with questions, challenges, heartache and uncertainty. Joy. The day Cam started his new job I was overwhelmed with thankfulness. The boys and I got back on track and hit the books hard. Sean started an art class at BellinghamART and he and Caleb both started a soccer class at the Sportsplex. Guitar was (and is) the highlight of their week.
February
We were back in our groove and things were humming alone quite well. I don’t remember much that was of significance that I didn’t write about during this month. It just felt “normal” and that was good.
March
Caleb turned 9! How can my baby be 9 already? We spent the first few days of March doing major reorganization, purging and repurposing at home. It was quite a project but it felt so freeing. Shortly after we celebrated Caleb’s birthday we celebrated the arrival of little miss Bella Joy. I was present for Heather’s labor and Bella’s birth. That was an intense experience! It was an honor to be included. Shortly afterward a funk (for lack of a better word) just settled on me. I didn’t feel like myself at all. I don’t know how else to describe it than to say that I felt like I was in a room full of windows but they were all fogged up with condensation and it was dark and rainy outside. I don’t really know what it was about but only now am I finally feeling like the sun has come out and “I can see clearly now, the rain has gone” (are you singing it with me?).
April
Between the Esther study and Believing God, I decided to take the 3 session Grief Class that was being offered at CTK. I didn’t really know why I went but I just felt compelled to. I found myself being skeptical that there would be anything for me in this class– little did I know. I still don’t think I have applied all that I learned but God had a lot for me in those few classes. I learned I need to be honest with myself about the losses I had experienced (big and small) and to not just be “okay” with them but to acknowledge the hurt and disappointment, to tell myself the truth about how much it hurt and then allow God to actually have access to begin to heal, restore and minister to the areas of my heart that were broken over what was lost. “Grief is a natural response to a lousy situation.” It doesn’t mean that you are broken or feeling sorry for yourself. It all came down to being honest with myself that I am not as strong as I’d like to think. Trying to convince myself that I was strong enough actually prevented me from depending on God and resting in His sovereignty. The anger that I had toward myself when I felt weak was totally unfair. I thought if I just worked hard enough to make better choices that somehow the pain of the past would be eclipsed with the hope of the future. To some degree this is true but the hope of the future isn’t dependent on me. I needed to really get this point– it all doesn’t depend on me. It sounds so arrogant now to say that! It’s crazy to think that is how I lived so much of my life. “When we actually face reality, recognize the loss as a fact, and gradually let go of the struggle against the tide of emotions we experience, we can then move beyond our suffering…we can find peace.” The other big change that came out of this class was facing up to my dependency on Cam for things that only God should be responsible for. Working through that was particularly painful for me. I had been unfair to Cam and had expected the impossible from him. Tearing down that “idol” was one of the hardest things I have ever done. Ultimately, it freed Cam up to love me the way God intended and it helped me to let go of even more control and put it rightfully in God’s hands.
Shortly after finishing up this class it was Easter. Easter is my favorite and this year I was overwhelmed at Jesus’ scandalous love for me. Shadows of the Cross at CTK was profound. I recognized some “vows” I had made that had hardened my heart and prevented me from receiving the love I so desperately needed from my heavenly Father. I wrote the vow on a stone and laid it at the foot of the cross. At the end of the week as I helped clean up the sanctuary I saw the intercessors praying over those stones and was moved to tears, knowing that what I laid there would stay there and I would be free. “It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.” Galatians 5:1
The next weekend, I went to a Living Proof Live Event in Portland to hear Beth Moore speak. As I walked through the doors of that stadium I felt my heart open up to God and I invited Him to get to work. I told Him I would hold nothing back– it was all laid out before Him to do with as He saw fit. I completely trusted Him to invade all areas of my heart no matter how painful it might be. God took me up on my offer and boy did I come away a different girl. It would take pages and hours to tell all that I learned over that weekend! Ultimately, I came away with a knowing that my ego needed to die. The objective is Christ formed in me– Jesus living in and through me– walking around in my skin with all the personality and gifts He uniquely created in me. Beth asked the questions, “What would happen if we could have the humility to be trusted with what God wants to do through us? When was the last time you didn’t recognize yourself because Jesus was looking at you in the mirror?” Beth asked us to sum up our lives in 6 words on Friday night. I wrote, “Ready for something different– but afraid”. We had to do the same exercise on Saturday at the end of the conference and I wrote, “I am desperate for You Jesus”. Beth ended the conference with, “Jesus is what matters when it is all said and done.” It was SO good. God is SO good. My head was spinning with all that God was revealing to me and all that He was asking me to give up to Him.
I began the Believing God study at the end of the month and all I can say about that is WOW. This is my second time through the study. There have been so many things that a have jumped off the page at me this time that I can’t believe were actually there before! God is so good to reveal Himself to us as we are prepared to see Him. The first time around was a completely new experience for me– I had no idea that studying could be so much fun. My Bible came alive to me in a new way and I was hooked. I love how Beth challenges me to engage my mind and to “think up”. When I went through this study before I had a specific “thing” I told God I wanted to work on and He told me, “Umm, NO, I have something else for you right now. We’ll get there but not this time around.” I was a little disappointed but only for about 5 minutes until He started blowing my mind with His Word. When I first heard that we were going to be going through this class again I heard God say in my spirit, “Now is the time. You are prepared”.
May
Well, we are only 13 days into this month but I feel like it’s been much longer. I am loving studying everyday and discovering new insights each time I read my Bible. The promises God has been giving me and the verses He gives me permission to claim have been changing me. Some of my new favorite songs affirm to me God’s faithfulness, His presence by my side, His strong love, His hands that hold me. I’ve never felt so loved.
The other big step I took this month was to sign up for a exercise boot camp. I have been so inspired watching Cam work so hard to get healthier over the last couple years, but this last year in particular has been quite admirable. Even when life was difficult and he was discouraged he worked out. When he was frustrated and plateauing he worked out. When he had a bad week, when he was disappointed with his adherence to his food plan or didn’t quite meet the goals he had set, he still persevered. He never stopped no matter what hurdle was placed before him. Each week he got stronger and strangely, more humble. He loves working out now. He loves feeling sore everyday because he knows he worked hard. The change in him has been amazing. I have found myself being simultaneously proud of him and jealous of his success. He has invited and encouraged me to join him, and, for a time last summer, I did start jogging with him.
Pushing myself to being able to run 2 full miles felt like a huge break thru for me. It was the best and worst I have ever felt all at once. I sobbed like I had never sobbed before. It was the most proud I had ever been of myself but also the most out of control. I pushed myself beyond an invisible barrier that flipped something in me and because I didn’t know what else to do—I quit. I was afraid. I was afraid of pain. I was afraid of being disappointed. I was afraid of being embarrassed. I was afraid of failing. I was afraid of admitting my limitations or seeing what was on the other side of them. I pretty much beat myself up over quitting up until, well, yesterday. My first boot camp class was yesterday and it was really hard work but felt SO good. The boot camp meets twice a week in local parks. We worked out really hard but the trainers also include elements of play and relearning to have fun. We even slid down the slide and ran through the play equipment like it was an obstacle course. The one key piece of advice that Cam gave me was that more important than all the goal setting and planning– just making a decision to not quit is the most important thing. And although that sounds quite obvious– it struck me as profound. A couple days after Cam had encouraged me again with this concept he directed me to a post on his gym’s blog (he swears Emilie must have our house bugged because it was almost word for word what he had been saying for weeks). When I think of who I am inside, when I am truly honest with myself and the fears and insecurities that swim inside my head are quiet, I know that I want to be strong. I want to have fun. I want to play and laugh and dance and be active in all kinds of ways. It would be foolish to be unprepared for setbacks and small failures and some embarrassment but I refuse to let those things hold me captive any longer. I won’t quit on myself again. Yesterday was just the beginning.
So, that pretty much catches us up. For the next few weeks the boys and I will be wrapping up all of our curriculum for the year. We might not have gotten to all of those “really cool projects” I had planned but hey, that’s what next year is for. I think some of the life lessons they have witnessed and participated in over the last 9 months have been quite an education in themselves. The prayers they have seen answered, the perseverance they have seen modeled and the faithfulness God has shown to our family have all taught invaluable lessons that couldn’t be learned in any other way than just living it out everyday. As a family, we want to have a testimony of lives lived walking with God, wherever He leads.
