learning
While the rest of Bellingham was taking spring break this week, we didn’t. We leave for Disneyland in six weeks and I want to be mostly done with school when we get back so we chose to not take a break this week. We have a lot going on right now and I imagine the next several weeks will just fly by. Spring sports season is a bit crazy for our family. Caleb has 1 soccer practice and 1 game each week and Sean has 2 baseball practices and 2 games each week. The boys both have games on Saturdays but that pretty much means we have something sports related every day of the week except Sunday (well, except for Sunday, the 20th when we’ll play a make-up soccer game). It is so much fun to watch them play and see them learn and improve in their athletic abilities.
The boys have accomplished so much in school this year! I am really thrilled at how far they have come and how excited they both continue to be about learning. Sean is finding Math to be a bit more difficult lately but I think it’s good. We changed Math curriculum a few weeks ago to give him something more challenging. He is now working on more complicated multiplication and division. We learned about ancient Greece in History this week and about how the Olympics came to be. Last Sunday the boys picked out some new books (thanks Grandma Terri) and they have been reading like crazy all week. Caleb is getting ready to take his standardized test on Monday (homeschoolers over the age of eight are required to take them each year). We have been practicing test taking skills and doing fill in the bubble practice tests. Sean will take his tests starting Monday, April 28th
A Woman’s Heart: God’s Dwelling Place started on Wednesday. The homework is extensive and amazing. As always, I am really looking forward to where God and I will go together on this journey. Every Bible study I have done over the last few years has represented a new season and a new journey with God. It still amazes me that He pursues me and continues to reveal Himself in new, mind-blowing, and awesome ways. I am praying that God will open my mind and my heart to let His truth take root in my life through this study.
I have one week left of my training at WCPC. I can’t believe how fast these 6 weeks have gone by. The training has been very thorough but I wouldn’t say I feel like I am absolutely prepared. I am glad that we will be partnering with a more experienced counselor for several weeks. The Walk for Life is about a month away and I will be sharing information and encouraging women in my Bible study to get involved one way or another in a couple weeks. I am thankful for this opportunity and also humbled. I know this is where God wants me to be serving but I also feel inadequate. And the truth is, I am. I can’t succeed at anything without God’s help. My options are to rely completely on Him and give Him credit for it all or rely on myself and hold myself responsible for the success or failure that results. It seems like an clear and simple choice but I can’t seem to consistently figure this out.
I read this today and found it to be so exactly what I needed to hear. Here’s the portion that really spoke to me:
“Will-powered faith is the worst kind of faith. A relationship with God that is rooted in our ability or strength is doomed to fail for two reasons. First, a will-powered faith will result in self-loathing. We make commitments, try our hardest, give it our all, and fail. So we try again…and fail. And the only person we have to blame is ourselves. Some of us suffer from a spiritual depression because we have lived in a cycle between trying and failing for so long. Second, if our will-powered faith doesn’t end in self-loathing it is because it ended in self-righteousness. We make commitments, try our hardest, and we succeed. We congratulate ourselves on a job well done. Then we look around and notice that other people are not experiencing the same success we are. Why don’t they try as hard as me? Maybe they are just not as godly. Self-loathing or self-righteousness—God hates both.” Curtis Jones, LPM Blog
I definitely can relate to the self-loathing side of things. I struggle to honestly asses myself. I am highly critical and extend very little grace to myself. When I have operated at that critical level for a long period of time, I then justify giving myself a break by getting in a rebellious and entitled space– which is neither healthy or helpful spiritually or otherwise. I try too hard and then I just stop trying. I don’t know how to not operate by my own will-power. I feel weak and aimless. It’s a struggle for me to understand that my worth comes not from what I do (how I love, how I serve, how I spend my time, how I fail, how I disappoint) but from the one and only fact that I am a child of God in whom He delights and dearly loves. Continually I ask God to teach me how to rest in Him, to trust Him and to teach me how to have genuine faith, not “will-powered faith”. One day I hope to say that I have learned this lesson and then I can move on to the many other lessons on the list that need some attention.
I need to express my deepest gratitude to God for putting Cam in my life. Cam is supremely patient and at times the most selfless person I have ever known. Even in the midst of conflict with me (when I am being totally unreasonable) he can put aside his hurt feelings and reach out to me with words of encouragement and good counsel. I am blessed beyond measure to share life with Cam and I am sorry for everyday that I forget that fact. God has taught me so much through him. The relationship Cam and I share provides safety and stability and as a result I am much more responsive and receptive to God’s loving pursuit. So, thank you God for loving me so much that not only did you send your Son for my salvation but you sent Cameron to love me and save my heart.
