The Life and Times of the Watters Family

pain in the neck (and back)…

I read this really amazing post several weeks ago that my old friend Kirsten wrote and it’s really stuck with me. I have found myself thinking about it quite often. This post will not be nearly as eloquent or much of an apology or reconciliation — I’m just not there yet. However, I was inspired by her and thought I would note it. I have been thinking for a while that I should, in some small way, document my journey with Pain. I think it may be easier to start with the present and work my way backward.

At this very moment (and since Friday evening) I have been unable to turn my head to the left. I don’t know exactly what happened, but, while I was getting ready to go on a date with Cam, a muscle in my neck or between my shoulders at the base of my neck started to have a burning sensation. Before I could do anything about it, my entire neck and my left shoulder were one huge muscle spasm. I have tried everything I know to do on my own to resolve this particular issue (ice, heat, bio-freeze, having Cam try to rub it out, really hot shower, anti-inflammatory), but nothing has worked. Pain has kept me awake for the better part of the last three nights, and I “woke up” this morning with Pain on the brain.

Unfortunately, this is not the first time something like this has happened, actually it happens on a fairly regular basis (like maybe every month or every other). Fortunately, I know a really good massage therapist and when I go see her she usually can fix me up (until next time…). I will see her this morning at ten and, believe me, I am counting the minutes.*

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t believe that I have it any worse than many others when it comes to my relationship with Pain. I am fully aware that many people suffer longer and more extensively than I could possibly imagine. This is just my story and my experience. Pain is a reality that I have lived with almost half of my life now. Pain wakes up with me, walks around all day with me and goes to bed with me every night. However, as familiar as we are with each other, Pain is still a very unwanted guest in my life. I didn’t choose him and I didn’t invite him for an extended stay. Pain’s favorite place to take up residence is in my lower back and/or down one or both of my legs. Occasionally, like today, he changes it up a bit and although he doesn’t vacate my back he spreads himself around. You’d think that I would accept the fact that he’s likely not leaving anytime soon, but I just can’t. I feel like accepting his presence as unchangeable means accepting defeat.

One of the most frustrating things about my relationship with Pain is that he has really shown up with gusto at some of the most important moments of my life. I get so mad because he does everything he can to try to slow me down, but I just won’t accept it. He has been present during many major events over the last several years–each of my sister’s weddings, nearly every party or holiday I have planned or organized and he has even gone on vacation with me–always very much uninvited.

In over eight years, Pain’s presence has not left me for more than month or two combined. Even when he’s gone he leaves behind little reminders of his stay. One wrong turn this way or that sends shooting reminders of his imminent return. While I was pregnant with Caleb, Pain decided to take up full-time residence. I was induced three weeks early because I couldn’t handle the combination of Pain and pregnancy any longer.

My last surgery was three years ago and I was so hopeful that Pain would realize that he was being evicted, yet he failed to get the message. Within six months we were getting more pictures taken of the havoc he was wreaking, and I was told that my options were limited. (By the way, I just have to say I am not a big fan of doctors–in my mind they are a close second to Pain in the ‘unwanted and unhelpful’ department.) Because I did not like the idea of becoming some sort of bionic woman with metal fusing my vertebrae together, I came to the end of the solutions the medical profession could offer me at that time.

For a few years from age 17-21, Pain was an inconsistent visitor. He’d come and go as he pleased, but the times between his visits were much longer. When he did stop by, he was only a mild distraction. I enjoyed and welcomed the reprieve from my initial introduction to Pain from October 1993 until April 25th, 1994. Pain came to visit in short spurts at first. He was really unpredictable and inconsistent. There were good days and bad days; then there were just bad days which turned into bad months. I should have been enjoying being a 16 year old kid, driving, hanging out with friends. Instead, I spent hours in doctors’ offices trying to figure out what was going on with me or lying in bed because I was unable to move. I spent months on pain killers and muscle relaxers (fortunately I am not an addictive personality and I HATE taking medication unless it is absolutely necessary).

After several months of unanswered questions and humiliating scenarios I was finally referred to a surgeon in Seattle. Dr. Grady was my hero. He was, and remains to this day, the best doctor that I have seen and truly a godsend. He was a specialist in Pain eviction -I have actually considered flying to Pennsylvania (where he currently lives) just to have him see if he can do anything with me now. After my first surgery I was elated! The post-op Pain visitor was nothing compared to his former self. I healed quickly and was back to nearly normal teenage life and activity shortly after.

Normal is relative though and even if someday, somehow I am released from Pain, I will be left with the constant reminders of what I’ve lost or missed out on due to the impact Pain has had on my life. My scars and arthritis don’t even hold a match to the disappointment I feel about how my body has let me down. We don’t have a great relationship with each other as a result. Sometimes I am angry and resentful. Sometimes I just try to will my body through the barriers Pain creates, but it doesn’t always work. Sometimes I cry. Sometimes I have to ask for help (which I hate to do). Sometimes I get perspective and realize it could be so much worse. Sometimes I ask, “why?” Sometimes I remember that God has a plan even through Pain. Sometimes I have to remind myself of Romans 8:28: “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”

God has allowed Pain to have some positive affects on me and my family. I see this at work in some tangible ways through my boys (all 3 of them). They are helpful, protective, loving, thoughtful and patient with me in all things. They love me when I am crabby because Pain has gotten the better of me that day. They love me when they have to carry groceries in from the car or laundry baskets upstairs. They love me when I can’t play soccer or run around (and they are super excited and thankful when I can). They love me for who I am and not what I can or can’t do. God has taught me so much about His love for me through the love and loyalty my boys demonstrate to me.

In spite of Pain, my unwanted companion, I will still ardently proclaim God’s goodness, mercy and love and probably more so than had I not been familiar with Pain. I find encouragement in the entire chapter of Romans 8 and in Philippians chapter 3. I eagerly await the day when Jesus will “transform our lowly bodies so that they will be like his glorious body” and until that day I will continue to seek God and ask Him to be my strength and everything I need for today.

* UPDATE: I saw Sara this morning and it helped a ton! The muscles are still tight and it will probably take the better part of today for them to fully relax but my range of motion in my neck is much better. I am so thankful for her talent and availability!

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