we love you kelly
We love you Auntie Kelly! Hope you get well soon. We are praying for you.
Love,
Sean & Caleb
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February 16th, 2008
February 10th, 2008
reflecting
I haven’t been inspired to post much lately. There’s plenty going on right now but nothing is resolved and when I am unsettled I find it difficult to know what to say. As it looks right now, things will be likely unchanged for sometime and I am realizing that I need to not get stuck here and fixate on what I can’t change. I have spent a fair bit of time thinking and reflecting on where God has been at work and what He has been trying to teach me. I figured it would be good to at least post my reflections here for myself so that I can remember someday in the future.
God is definitely at work and I see His fingerprints all around us and in us. Without going into too much detail, I’ll just say Cam and I have grown so much in the last 18+ months. We have grown personally and more importantly as a couple. We have learned to depend on each other for support and to cheer each other on. It seems silly, in a way, that we have struggled so much through this time of challenge considering the other types of true hardship and tragedy people face everyday. Fortunately, this struggle originated outside of our relationship, our home, our health or our church. The boys and I have watched Cam wrestle with God’s plan for his life and ultimately choose to surrender his will to God (and we couldn’t be prouder of him).
This past Friday (February 8th) Cam and I celebrated the 13th anniversary of us as a couple. I can hardly remember the beginning because it just feels like we have always been a “we”. We have come a long way! As I think back on that time in our lives I realize I really put Cam in the place of my savior in my life. I saw Cam as an answer to my fears and insecurities. I found someone who loved me for me, who wanted the best for me no matter the cost, who would stand up for me, who would challenge me and who wouldn’t give up on me (I think/hope he saw some of that in me too). But eventually my “savior”, who was really just a boy doing his best to love this girl, couldn’t meet those needs perfectly, and disappointment followed. It was an unfair position to put Cam in and it was a huge relief for both of us when Jesus was restored to His rightful place as Savior in my life.
Although our relationship began in a rather co-dependent and dysfunctional way, God has been so faithful and patient to teach Cam and I how to love each other well. To be filled with His love first and give from the overflow. I can honestly say that I think being married is the best! I absolutely love sharing life with Cam. I love that we have grown up together and have shared our most precious memories. We don’t get it right all of them time. We still struggle to be selfless and to put each others needs above our own. Our personalities and love languages couldn’t be more different from each other. We’ve had to really trust each other and see past what’s on the surface and into each other’s hearts. One thing I am confident about is that our boys know we absolutely love each other and that we are all-in — forever. That is the legacy we will leave in our family.
As Cam has faced challenges and discouragement over the last year I have been praying that God would bless him. I shared with him the other day that I had been praying for blessing for him and his response was so much more than I expected. He said that I am the blessing. It hadn’t occurred to me that as I prayed for Cam, God was changing me and that I would become an provision of that blessing I had been praying for. These last months have taught me how to be the kind of wife Cam needs, someone who loves him no matter what, who challenges him but is also a soft place to fall when he is broken (and at times it has felt like a full time job). The work that God has done in my life to help me become that person is unbelievable to me and I am profoundly humbled by His grace and patience with me.
Reflecting is important from time to time but I think looking back too long can be detrimental. I am not satisfied to stop here. I want to continue to pursue God’s best for me, for Cam and for our family.