Cam has been gone since Thursday morning and we miss him a lot! The boys and I spend tons of time together throughout the week- like pretty much most of our waking hours- and we very much look forward to having dad home in the evening and on the weekends. In Cam’s absence, the weekend has definitely had it’s ups and downs.

This picture was from today at Boulevard- one of the “up” moments of the weekend :) Being brothers is so different than being sisters- for many obvious reasons but mainly I see the differences in terms of the physical expressions. My sisters and I would find the smallest couch, chair, bed or whatever and all pile onto it like “puppies” as Cam would call us. Sean and Caleb also are like “puppies” but in a more aggressive way. They are always in constant contact with each other but it’s more like wrestling for who’s most dominant. They love each other more than words can describe but they also find their best/worst opponent in each other. Some days it’s very balanced and then there are days like today…

Looking forward to finishing out our weekend with Cam tomorrow!

Be back in seven days…..

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“Almost perfect… but not quite.”
Those were the words of Mary Hume
At her seventh birthday party,
Looking ’round the ribboned room.
“This tablecloth is pink not white–
Almost perfect… but not quite.” The Babysitters hd

“Almost perfect… but not quite.”
Those were the words of grown-up Mary
Talking about her handsome beau,
The one she wasn’t gonna marry.
“Squeezes me a bit too tight–
Almost perfect… but not quite.”

“Almost perfect… but not quite.”
Those were the words of ol’ Miss Hume
Teaching in the seventh grade,
Grading papers in the gloom
Late at night up in her room.
“They never cross their t’s just right–
Almost perfect… but not quite.”

Ninety-eight the day she died
Complainin’ ’bout the spotless floor.
People shook their heads and sighed,
“Guess that she’ll like heaven more.”
Up went her soul on feathered wings,
Out the door, up out of sight.
Another voice from heaven came–
“Almost perfect… but not quite.”

– Shel Silverstein

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Before the boys went to bed tonight we each took turns reading poems from A Light in the Attic and Where the Sidewalk Ends. For some reason this poem just got to me. I felt some conviction about my own dissatisfaction with things that are mostly good—just not quite perfect. I am so thankful that even though I am ungrateful at times and even though I can be critical—when God sees me He won’t say, “Almost perfect…but not quite”.  Instead He’ll say “I love you and welcome home”. 

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More background here: Athletes for a Cure—Fight Gone Bad Challenge

1. pursue knowing God better everyday
2. pray for Cam more frequently
3. play with Sean and Caleb
4. take a photography class (I know what class I want to take, maybe this year?) Closing the Ring divx
5. go to a concert (going to Jars of Clay on 8/24/08)
6. be involved in a bible study all year
7. take a painting class (I will do this or maybe I’ll just start painting and see what happens)
8. create something at least once a week (see above)
9. wake up earlier
10. make a new friend
11. learn something new everyday
12. go to a play
13. be a good teacher to Sean & Caleb
14. get a bike to ride with the boys
15. pick at least 3 books –challenging ones, and read them (I only read two “challenging” books)
16. don’t let laundry pile up
17. learn some new recipes (I got a subscription to Cooking Light– does that count?)
18. organize my photos (we got a HUGE external hard drive and backed everything up)
19. be a good aunt
20. be less selfish
21. plan our 10th anniversary
22. have a Fred Astaire marathon
23. watch less meaningless TV
24. download new music more often
25. post photos and updates on our blog more frequently
26. learn to love things that are healthy, like exercise (I don’t love it but I am doing it regularly)
27. be grateful instead of complaining
28. do at least one productive thing everyday
29. find an organization strategy for scrapbook stuff that works
30. be a good example

With the study, A Woman’s Heart: God’s Dwelling Place

XXx: State of the Union ipod , ending I am really thankful to be starting a new study already. It’s always sad for me when a good thing comes to an end. One thing that makes this transition a bit smoother is that the majority of our table group is continuing on with a new study together, No Other gods, by Kelly Minter. Summer School move Steel Magnolias movie Lonely Are the Brave download

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Our group is joining thousands of women around the US and the world who are taking time every other Tuesday to meet together and study God’s word throughout the summer. Beth Moore and her team at Living Proof Ministries have organized this unique study. Each time we meet together we will share what God is teaching us through His word. We will share prayer requests, snacks and we will work together on memorizing our summer verses. Beth challenged us to memorize Jude 1:24-25 The Last Winter movie download .

No Other gods challenges us to “confront our modern-day idols”. In the introduction to the study Kelly says:

A few years ago I was feeling stuck. Stuck with God, people, career, living space, finances, convictions. I constantly cried out to God, “Please deliver me.”….. I was not ready for the simplicity of God’s remedy; He wanted to be God in my life.

Though somewhat unaware, I had been depending on false gods that were at the bottom of much of my pain. They were taking up room in my heart– room God desired to occupy. Through this process I became desperate to discover who the true God was in all of His glory so as not to return to the lesser and baser things. These idols could only offer temporary relief– promising what they could never deliver. How relieved I’ve been to find that through the dismantling, God has planted, built, restored, and redeemed. He has done nothing short of miraculous.

Idols are objects of worship and can be anything that we spend more time thinking about, interacting with or trusting more than our God. The subjects of idolatry and worship have been reoccurring themes recently and for me this means–God is speaking, pay attention! Pastor Mark Driscoll preached a fantastic message on the subject of worship. Mark teaches that whatever our issues may be, all our strongholds and addictions all boil down to having a worship problem. I highly recommend checking out that message, it’s one of the best I’ve heard on the subject.

This last season of Bible study has been life changing. The studies, the decisions, the clarity that came and life experienced throughout this spring will be one of the stones of remembrance

in my life. Studying the Tabernacle, God’s presence, His glory and His plan for our salvation all the way back to Genesis has been indescribable. God has drawn near and I am forever changed. I am so grateful for His faithfulness and the journey He continues to call me to take with Him. Following God is exciting, challenging, refining, peaceful, restoring, and so much more. I just love Him.

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The Boatniks film several weeks ago that my old friend Kirsten wrote and it’s really stuck with me. I have found myself thinking about it quite often. This post will not be nearly as eloquent or much of an apology or reconciliation — I’m just not there yet. However, I was inspired by her and thought I would note it. I have been thinking for a while that I should, in some small way, document my journey with Pain. I think it may be easier to start with the present and work my way backward.

At this very moment (and since Friday evening) I have been unable to turn my head to the left. I don’t know exactly what happened, but, while I was getting ready to go on a date with Cam, a muscle in my neck or between my shoulders at the base of my neck started to have a burning sensation. Before I could do anything about it, my entire neck and my left shoulder were one huge muscle spasm. I have tried everything I know to do on my own to resolve this particular issue (ice, heat, bio-freeze, having Cam try to rub it out, really hot shower, anti-inflammatory), but nothing has worked. Pain has kept me awake for the better part of the last three nights, and I “woke up” this morning with Pain on the brain.

Unfortunately, this is not the first time something like this has happened, actually it happens on a fairly regular basis (like maybe every month or every other). Fortunately, I know a really good massage therapist

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and when I go see her she usually can fix me up (until next time…). I will see her this morning at ten and, believe me, I am counting the minutes.*

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t believe that I have it any worse than many others when it comes to my relationship with Pain. I am fully aware that many people suffer longer and more extensively than I could possibly imagine. This is just my story and my experience. Pain is a reality that I have lived with almost half of my life now. Pain wakes up with me, walks around all day with me and goes to bed with me every night. However, as familiar as we are with each other, Pain is still a very unwanted guest in my life. I didn’t choose him and I didn’t invite him for an extended stay. Pain’s favorite place to take up residence is in my lower back and/or down one or both of my legs. Occasionally, like today, he changes it up a bit and although he doesn’t vacate my back he spreads himself around. You’d think that I would accept the fact that he’s likely not leaving anytime soon, but I just can’t. I feel like accepting his presence as unchangeable means accepting defeat.

One of the most frustrating things about my relationship with Pain is that he has really shown up with gusto at some of the most important moments of my life. I get so mad because he does everything he can to try to slow me down, but I just won’t accept it. He has been present during many major events over the last several years–each of my sister’s weddings, nearly every party or holiday I have planned or organized and he has even gone on vacation with me–always very much uninvited.

In over eight years, Pain’s presence has not left me for more than month or two combined. Even when he’s gone he leaves behind little reminders of his stay. One wrong turn this way or that sends shooting reminders of his imminent return. While I was pregnant with Caleb, Pain decided to take up full-time residence. I was induced three weeks early because I couldn’t handle the combination of Pain and pregnancy any longer.

My last surgery was three years ago and I was so hopeful that Pain would realize that he was being evicted, yet he failed to get the message. Within six months we were getting more pictures taken of the havoc he was wreaking, and I was told that my options were limited. (By the way, I just have to say I am not a big fan of doctors–in my mind they are a close second to Pain in the ‘unwanted and unhelpful’ department.) Because I did not like the idea of becoming some sort of bionic woman with metal fusing my vertebrae together, I came to the end of the solutions the medical profession could offer me at that time.

For a few years from age 17-21, Pain was an inconsistent visitor. He’d come and go as he pleased, but the times between his visits were much longer. When he did stop by, he was only a mild distraction. I enjoyed and welcomed the reprieve from my initial introduction to Pain from October 1993 until April 25th, 1994. Pain came to visit in short spurts at first. He was really unpredictable and inconsistent. There were good days and bad days; then there were just bad days which turned into bad months. I should have been enjoying being a 16 year old kid, driving, hanging out with friends. Instead, I spent hours in doctors’ offices trying to figure out what was going on with me or lying in bed because I was unable to move. I spent months on pain killers and muscle relaxers (fortunately I am not an addictive personality and I HATE taking medication unless it is absolutely necessary).

After several months of unanswered questions and humiliating scenarios I was finally referred to a surgeon in Seattle. Dr. Grady was my hero. He was, and remains to this day, the best doctor that I have seen and truly a godsend. He was a specialist in Pain eviction -I have actually considered flying to Pennsylvania (where he currently lives) just to have him see if he can do anything with me now. After my first surgery I was elated! The post-op Pain visitor was nothing compared to his former self. I healed quickly and was back to nearly normal teenage life and activity shortly after.

Normal is relative though and even if someday, somehow I am released from Pain, I will be left with the constant reminders of what I’ve lost or missed out on due to the impact Pain has had on my life. My scars and arthritis don’t even hold a match to the disappointment I feel about how my body has let me down. We don’t have a great relationship with each other as a result. Sometimes I am angry and resentful. Sometimes I just try to will my body through the barriers Pain creates, but it doesn’t always work. Sometimes I cry. Sometimes I have to ask for help (which I hate to do). Sometimes I get perspective and realize it could be so much worse. Sometimes I ask, “why?” Sometimes I remember that God has a plan even through Pain. Sometimes I have to remind myself of Romans 8:28: “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”

God has allowed Pain to have some positive affects on me and my family. I see this at work in some tangible ways through my boys (all 3 of them). They are helpful, protective, loving, thoughtful and patient with me in all things. They love me when I am crabby because Pain has gotten the better of me that day. They love me when they have to carry groceries in from the car or laundry baskets upstairs. They love me when I can’t play soccer or run around (and they are super excited and thankful when I can). They love me for who I am and not what I can or can’t do. God has taught me so much about His love for me through the love and loyalty my boys demonstrate to me.

In spite of Pain, my unwanted companion, I will still ardently proclaim God’s goodness, mercy and love and probably more so than had I not been familiar with Pain. I find encouragement in the entire chapter of Romans 8 and in Philippians chapter 3. I eagerly await the day when Jesus will “transform our lowly bodies so that they will be like his glorious body” and until that day I will continue to seek God and ask Him to be my strength and everything I need for today.

* UPDATE: I saw Sara this morning and it helped a ton! The muscles are still tight and it will probably take the better part of today for them to fully relax but my range of motion in my neck is much better. I am so thankful for her talent and availability!

Five things I can’t live without, under $5.00

1. Jesus
2. Spending time with Cam
3. Spending time with the boys
4. My sisters (Holly, Sara, Heather and Kelly)
5. My friends

Five favorite movies

1. Life is Beautiful
2. Finding Neverland
3. Pride and Prejudice
4. Goodwill Hunting
5. Enchanted

Five baby Names I love, but won’t be using

1. Eden (girl)
2. Eve (girl)
3. Tate (boy)
4. Jake (boy)
5. Ben (boy)

Five songs I could hear over and over again

1. Something Beautiful — Jars of Clay
2. Everlasting God — Chris Tomlin
3. The Best of What’s Around — Dave Matthews
4. Made to Worship — Chris Tomlin
5. Everything Glorious — David Crowder Band

Five people who influenced my life in a positive way

1. Jesus
2. Cameron (and the whole Watters/Thomson family)
3. Sean & Caleb
4. Bonnie Potts
5. Beth Moore

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Five things that stay in my purse at all times

1. Burt’s Bees chapstick
2. Debit card
3. Wood’s coffee punch card
4. Tide pen
5. Pens

Five moments you knew changed your life forever

1. Moving to Bellingham (I was four– thanks SO much Mom & Dad)
2. A LONG conversation at the Firs Chalet in the winter of 1995 (with Cam)
3. Cinco de Mayo 1998 (found out we were pregnant with Sean)
4. July 18th, 1998 (our wedding day)
5. July 17th, 1999 (found out we were pregnant with Caleb)

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Five obsessions you have right now

1. Photography
2. Counting down the weeks ’til Disneyland
3. Beth Moore Bible studies & Mars Hill Messages
4. Teaching the boys to be excited about learning
5. Spending quality time together as a family

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Five places you would like to go

1. Jerusalem*
2. Great Britain
3. Africa
4. Ireland
5. Italy

Five people who you’d like to see their top fives 7-10 Split psp

1. Sara Kallin
   
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2. Cameron Watters
3. Jen Fox
4. Carmen Andrew
5. My non-blogging friends: Thank God It’s Friday dvd Holly Herzer, Heather Baldetta, Kelly Watters, Terri Watters, Beth Clemons, Kristen Oudman, Alicia Blankers, Tawyna Heredia, Colleen Elkins

*edited– I can’t believe I forgot this one when I posted this earlier!