me
Taking risks, being brave, believing God, waking up early, dreaming bigger (and sometimes crazy) dreams and trying to learn how to be comfortable in my own skin…
[photos by: Sean Watters]
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January 22nd, 2010
January 15th, 2010
love this…
Even more than I appreciate Amy’s photography, I appreciate her transparency and her heart. Once again, she openly shares her struggle, her faith and her hope in this most recent post. I recommend reading the entire thing but the last paragraph really struck me and could not more perfectly articulate my own desire for this year and the rest of my life!
“There is one thing I want so badly though. I simply want to be wrecked by God’s love for me. I want to be so undone that I can never be put back together. I want the Holy Spirit to so utterly consume me that my every breath is to bring glory to God. I want to be so intimate with Jesus that I am like a light shining in the darkness, pointing the way to the most beautiful, wonderful truth you can ever experience. I am a woman consumed by passion to know the living God. I can hardly think of other things sometimes. His love is changing me. Rescuing me. Healing me. I am not the same as I was, and I can never go back. I have found everything I was ever looking for. He’s so beautiful. He’s saving me. And I adore Him so much that I just cannot stay silent. So if there was ever a New Year’s resolution for me this year it would be to unify my voice. To speak my heart no matter what the cost.”
December 31st, 2009
Inspirational Soundtrack of 2009
- Your Love is Strong, Jon Foreman
- Open Skies, David Crowder
- The Right Thing, Mandisa
- Bring the Rain, MercyMe
- Something to Say, Matthew West
- I will Rise, Chris Tomlin
- New Day, Robbie Seay Band
- I’m Not Who I Was, Brandon Heath
- By Your Side, Tenth Avenue North
- How He Loves, David Crowder
- Love Wins, Robbie Seay Band
- Rock of Ages (When the Day Seems Long), Sandra McCracken
- Wash Me Clean, Shawn McDonald
2009 has been a time of major growth and change for me. The overall theme of 2009 was dependency on God for everything. To come to a place of really trusting Him, to believe that He loves me, to know that He has a plan for my life and that my life is an opportunity to tell the story of His grace and to glorify Him in all things. Each of these songs hold different memories of this past year and all I have to do is hear one of them to be taken back to those moments and feelings. Music has always been one of the primary ways God reminds me of His presence and His love. He allows lyrics to teach me, prepare me, soften me and humble me. Most days I wake up with a song in my head and frequently find that there is providence in hearing those particular words over and over throughout the day.
I am not who I was and I don’t want to to ever forget what God taught me throughout this past year. I am looking forward to new lessons, new memories, more growth, more dependency and a new soundtrack in 2010.
Happy New Year!
July 14th, 2009
Jesus loves me
I loved, loved, loved this
??? ????? ????????? ???????? ????????? ????? ?????? . I needed to hear it today. Go read it, it’s long but don’t skip any of it.
June 23rd, 2009
Today
A few other blogs I read have been doing this:
TODAY
June 23rd, 2009
Outside my window… The sun is shining and I can hear birds singing. The new grass we planted is growing and so are the wildflowers.
I am thinking.. about leaving for boot camp and wondering if I’ll ever stop getting a queasy/nervous feeling about going.
I am thankful for… Cam’s phone calls every morning after he goes to the gym, especially on Tuesdays and Thursdays.
From the kitchen ???????? ????? … Special K, Ginger Peach tea and some almonds. We really need to go grocery shopping!
I am wearing… Nike warm-ups and a t-shirt.
I am creating… nothing at the moment but hopefully pictures of my beautiful new niece sometime soon.
I am going… to boot camp, to Kim’s to help with yard work and say “good-bye” and then to bible study with Kel, Terri and Dianne. The Plague movie download
I am reading Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist dvd Pink Floyd The Wall rip … the Secret Garden and trying to finish it quickly so I can begin The Great Gatsby. Cam, Holly, Shane and I are reading it this summer.
FeardotCom ipod I am hoping…
I am hearing… the birds outside, Caleb breathing softly next to me on the couch, some construction noise down the street and a little voice that keeps trying to talk me out of going to boot camp– which I am IGNORING.
Around the house… Sean is sleeping, Caleb is snuggling with me, Sam is curled up on the couch, laundry is finally caught up, kitchen is mostly clean and I have beautiful roses from Heather’s yard on my table.
One of my favorite things… music– the best way to ignore that voice of discouragement!
A few plans for the rest of the week… grocery shopping, bible study homework, playing with the boys, reading, meetings, keeping laundry caught up and hopefully visiting and holding my new niece.
May 13th, 2009
few words
Today I took a moment to look back over the last several months of posts on this blog. I noticed that I haven’t written much since the fall. I am feeling reflective today so brace yourself—this could be lengthy. I find myself looking back to the beginning of the school year and trying to remember what I was thinking as I planned our schedule for the year. I was really optimistic! There are so many things that never manifested as anything more than a good intention. Having so many cool ideas that never came off the drawing board leaves me feeling a bit sad and wondering—what did we do this year? Here’s my attempt to fill in the gaps.
September
I covered this month pretty well—until the very end when Cam was laid off. I said very little about that entire process because it took everything in me to hang on to the hope I had that God would take care of us—that He had a plan and would provide. Of course, God was incredibly faithful; it just took a little time for Him to prepare us for what He had in store. It was a huge blessing for me to have so much accountability in leadership throughout September, October, November and December. Cam and I were leading a small group. I was counseling at the WCPC and helping lead Monday night Bible study at CTK. In addition I had my responsibilities to the boys parenting and home schooling. I felt like everyone was watching me to see if I really believed what I said I believed about God’s faithfulness.
October Slip buy
Toward the end of the month I had my first meltdown. The outcome was me letting go of the control I was trying to assert over what options Cam would pursue for work. I told him I trusted him and that he could start his own business if that’s where he felt called. Meanwhile, I prayed harder that God would help me trust Him and rely on Him and not Cam. I told Cam I trusted him with the work stuff before I actually did trust him and I relied on God to make it be so. The boys and I continued to try to stay on track and plug away at school. It was challenging to stay focused and have Cam home ALL the time! I just wanted to hang out with him all day, everyday. I really love spending time with him. He is my best friend, my cheerleader, my counselor and my confidant. Surprisingly, we had very little conflict during those months, considering the uncertainty we faced.
November
I did write a little more this month. I was forced to look at it and process it as I had to come up with a devotional talk for Monday night Bible study. I was pretty vulnerable but there was still so much more happening beneath the surface that I couldn’t even put into words. I was really broken, feeling out of control and deeply sad. Mid-month we drew a really hard boundary that literally felt like it ripped my guts out to draw. Our family life changed. Our holidays changed. Someone was missing and having to face that we may never be reconciled wrecked me, but I said I was fine. I felt simultaneously relived and heartbroken. Relieved because the unpredictability and fear would no longer be there. I wouldn’t have to constantly be on guard and protective of myself and the family that I love but it meant excluding someone else that I love. My respect for Cam grew so much through this act of love and protection. Once this boundary was drawn I felt treasured, loved, honored and esteemed by Cam in a whole new way. I felt worthy. Some days it felt awful though and I wondered if we made the right decision. But more than ever I knew I was safely “in the shadow of His wing”. My second meltdown happened this month (not coincidentally the same time of the month as the previous month—although it still took me by surprise).
December
We had decided long before Cam got laid-off that we were going to do very few and inexpensive Christmas gifts. We spent December trying to enjoy the truth of the season. We took a fun trip to Seattle on the Amtrak and enjoyed the time as a family and freedom we had to spend time together. In retrospect, we should have enjoyed it more. Our school schedule was daily being left by the wayside. It was making me a little crazy but I also felt like I just needed to be okay with it. We kept up on the fundamentals but all the extras, all the really cool projects I had hoped to get to just didn’t materialize. The boys continued enjoying guitar lessons and book club. A quick note on book club—it has been one of the highlights of our school year. I couldn’t even put into words what a blessing it has been to have that every other week! Kim Wallace has been such a gift from God! The boys have learned a ton and it has been so encouraging for me to meet with other home schooling moms. I looked forward to each and every book club Monday, knowing that there would be good conversation and good coffee at Kim’s house. Sean turned ten! Christmas was simple and sweet. We were snowed in for days together and it was actually quite peaceful. I loved the days that Scott would bring Sara and Aliza in and we’d spend the day together drinking cocoa and watching the boys play in the snow. The Sunday afternoon before New Years Eve, Cam received an interesting email that led to a meeting over coffee, an interview and then a job offer on New Years Eve! Praise You God!
January
Joy, joy, joy. I felt like my feet didn’t touch the floor for days! I told anyone and everyone about how awesome my God is. How He provided and how the peace He had given to both Cam and I was not in vain. I praised God for answering the years of prayers I had been praying to bless Cam. So many things came into focus over the next weeks and months. The path that God had provided suddenly was illuminated behind us and we were thankful for ALL of it. We decided to take off down to the Watters’ family beach cabin on the Oregon Coast for about a week before Cam started his new job. We had the best time! It was beautiful, peaceful, relaxing and it felt like closure to a season that had been wrought with questions, challenges, heartache and uncertainty. Joy. The day Cam started his new job I was overwhelmed with thankfulness. The boys and I got back on track and hit the books hard. Sean started an art class at BellinghamART and he and Caleb both started a soccer class at the Sportsplex. Guitar was (and is) the highlight of their week.
February
We were back in our groove and things were humming alone quite well. I don’t remember much that was of significance that I didn’t write about during this month. It just felt “normal” and that was good.
March
Caleb turned 9! How can my baby be 9 already? We spent the first few days of March doing major reorganization, purging and repurposing at home. It was quite a project but it felt so freeing. Shortly after we celebrated Caleb’s birthday we celebrated the arrival of little miss Bella Joy. I was present for Heather’s labor and Bella’s birth. That was an intense experience! It was an honor to be included. Shortly afterward a funk (for lack of a better word) just settled on me. I didn’t feel like myself at all. I don’t know how else to describe it than to say that I felt like I was in a room full of windows but they were all fogged up with condensation and it was dark and rainy outside. I don’t really know what it was about but only now am I finally feeling like the sun has come out and “I can see clearly now, the rain has gone” (are you singing it with me?).
April
Between the Esther study and Believing God, I decided to take the 3 session Grief Class that was being offered at CTK. I didn’t really know why I went but I just felt compelled to. I found myself being skeptical that there would be anything for me in this class– little did I know. I still don’t think I have applied all that I learned but God had a lot for me in those few classes. I learned I need to be honest with myself about the losses I had experienced (big and small) and to not just be “okay” with them but to acknowledge the hurt and disappointment, to tell myself the truth about how much it hurt and then allow God to actually have access to begin to heal, restore and minister to the areas of my heart that were broken over what was lost. “Grief is a natural response to a lousy situation.” It doesn’t mean that you are broken or feeling sorry for yourself. It all came down to being honest with myself that I am not as strong as I’d like to think. Trying to convince myself that I was strong enough actually prevented me from depending on God and resting in His sovereignty. The anger that I had toward myself when I felt weak was totally unfair. I thought if I just worked hard enough to make better choices that somehow the pain of the past would be eclipsed with the hope of the future. To some degree this is true but the hope of the future isn’t dependent on me. I needed to really get this point– it all doesn’t depend on me. It sounds so arrogant now to say that! It’s crazy to think that is how I lived so much of my life. “When we actually face reality, recognize the loss as a fact, and gradually let go of the struggle against the tide of emotions we experience, we can then move beyond our suffering…we can find peace.” The other big change that came out of this class was facing up to my dependency on Cam for things that only God should be responsible for. Working through that was particularly painful for me. I had been unfair to Cam and had expected the impossible from him. Tearing down that “idol” was one of the hardest things I have ever done. Ultimately, it freed Cam up to love me the way God intended and it helped me to let go of even more control and put it rightfully in God’s hands.
Shortly after finishing up this class it was Easter. Easter is my favorite and this year I was overwhelmed at Jesus’ scandalous love for me. Shadows of the Cross at CTK was profound. I recognized some “vows” I had made that had hardened my heart and prevented me from receiving the love I so desperately needed from my heavenly Father. I wrote the vow on a stone and laid it at the foot of the cross. At the end of the week as I helped clean up the sanctuary I saw the intercessors praying over those stones and was moved to tears, knowing that what I laid there would stay there and I would be free. “It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.” Galatians 5:1
The next weekend, I went to a Living Proof Live Event in Portland to hear Beth Moore speak. As I walked through the doors of that stadium I felt my heart open up to God and I invited Him to get to work. I told Him I would hold nothing back– it was all laid out before Him to do with as He saw fit. I completely trusted Him to invade all areas of my heart no matter how painful it might be. God took me up on my offer and boy did I come away a different girl. It would take pages and hours to tell all that I learned over that weekend! Ultimately, I came away with a knowing that my ego needed to die. The objective is Christ formed in me– Jesus living in and through me– walking around in my skin with all the personality and gifts He uniquely created in me. Beth asked the questions, “What would happen if we could have the humility to be trusted with what God wants to do through us? When was the last time you didn’t recognize yourself because Jesus was looking at you in the mirror?” Beth asked us to sum up our lives in 6 words on Friday night. I wrote, “Ready for something different– but afraid”. We had to do the same exercise on Saturday at the end of the conference and I wrote, “I am desperate for You Jesus”. Beth ended the conference with, “Jesus is what matters when it is all said and done.” It was SO good. God is SO good. My head was spinning with all that God was revealing to me and all that He was asking me to give up to Him.
I began the Believing God study at the end of the month and all I can say about that is WOW. This is my second time through the study. There have been so many things that a have jumped off the page at me this time that I can’t believe were actually there before! God is so good to reveal Himself to us as we are prepared to see Him. The first time around was a completely new experience for me– I had no idea that studying could be so much fun. My Bible came alive to me in a new way and I was hooked. I love how Beth challenges me to engage my mind and to “think up”. When I went through this study before I had a specific “thing” I told God I wanted to work on and He told me, “Umm, NO, I have something else for you right now. We’ll get there but not this time around.” I was a little disappointed but only for about 5 minutes until He started blowing my mind with His Word. When I first heard that we were going to be going through this class again I heard God say in my spirit, “Now is the time. You are prepared”.
May
Well, we are only 13 days into this month but I feel like it’s been much longer. I am loving studying everyday and discovering new insights each time I read my Bible. The promises God has been giving me and the verses He gives me permission to claim have been changing me. Some of my new favorite songs affirm to me God’s faithfulness, His presence by my side, His strong love, His hands that hold me. I’ve never felt so loved.
The other big step I took this month was to sign up for a exercise boot camp. I have been so inspired watching Cam work so hard to get healthier over the last couple years, but this last year in particular has been quite admirable. Even when life was difficult and he was discouraged he worked out. When he was frustrated and plateauing he worked out. When he had a bad week, when he was disappointed with his adherence to his food plan or didn’t quite meet the goals he had set, he still persevered. He never stopped no matter what hurdle was placed before him. Each week he got stronger and strangely, more humble. He loves working out now. He loves feeling sore everyday because he knows he worked hard. The change in him has been amazing. I have found myself being simultaneously proud of him and jealous of his success. He has invited and encouraged me to join him, and, for a time last summer, I did start jogging with him.
Pushing myself to being able to run 2 full miles felt like a huge break thru for me. It was the best and worst I have ever felt all at once. I sobbed like I had never sobbed before. It was the most proud I had ever been of myself but also the most out of control. I pushed myself beyond an invisible barrier that flipped something in me and because I didn’t know what else to do—I quit. I was afraid. I was afraid of pain. I was afraid of being disappointed. I was afraid of being embarrassed. I was afraid of failing. I was afraid of admitting my limitations or seeing what was on the other side of them. I pretty much beat myself up over quitting up until, well, yesterday. My first boot camp class was yesterday and it was really hard work but felt SO good. The boot camp meets twice a week in local parks. We worked out really hard but the trainers also include elements of play and relearning to have fun. We even slid down the slide and ran through the play equipment like it was an obstacle course. The one key piece of advice that Cam gave me was that more important than all the goal setting and planning– just making a decision to not quit is the most important thing. And although that sounds quite obvious– it struck me as profound. A couple days after Cam had encouraged me again with this concept he directed me to a post on his gym’s blog (he swears Emilee must have our house bugged because it was almost word for word what he had been saying for weeks). When I think of who I am inside, when I am truly honest with myself and the fears and insecurities that swim inside my head are quiet, I know that I want to be strong. I want to have fun. I want to play and laugh and dance and be active in all kinds of ways. It would be foolish to be unprepared for setbacks and small failures and some embarrassment but I refuse to let those things hold me captive any longer. I won’t quit on myself again. Yesterday was just the beginning.
So, that pretty much catches us up. For the next few weeks the boys and I will be wrapping up all of our curriculum for the year. We might not have gotten to all of those “really cool projects” I had planned but hey, that’s what next year is for. I think some of the life lessons they have witnessed and participated in over the last 9 months have been quite an education in themselves. The prayers they have seen answered, the perseverance they have seen modeled and the faithfulness God has shown to our family have all taught invaluable lessons that couldn’t be learned in any other way than just living it out everyday. As a family, we want to have a testimony of lives lived walking with God, wherever He leads.
November 18th, 2008
Waiting
I haven’t felt much like writing anything deep or meaningful here for awhile (did I ever?). It’s definitely not for a lack of heavy stuff on my mind or heart– I just haven’t felt ready to be vulnerable with it. Most of my external processing of this season of life and what God has been teaching me has been happening elsewhere. For the last eight weeks I have been co-facilitating the Monday night Women’s Bible study at CTK. Each week, Deni and I alternate sharing a devotional of some kind before the group discussion and video teaching. God has been so faithful to give me a topic each time my turn comes around.
This afternoon I thought that maybe I should post what I shared last night. I truly felt that God put this topic on my heart and maybe it will benefit someone who reads it here.
Waiting
Until this afternoon I had NO idea what I was going to share tonight. I knew God would be faithful and provide something so I wasn’t too worried. I went to coffee with my very good friend and mentor this morning. I had a rough week last week and needed to check in and confess some bad attitudes, lack of faith and mistrust. We had a great heart-to-heart and I went away feeling grateful and loved.
One of the many topics we discussed was the idea of waiting on God through a difficult season. In general, I am not a person that waits well. I am impatient, especially when I am uncomfortable. I want jobs to do. I want a list of things that I can work on. I want to be busy feeling like I have some semblance of control. I want God’s anointing and empowerment my way to do the work that I think is important and that I want done. But that is not the way it works! Pricilla Shirer makes the point in our study, “Your task is to rely on the power of God who indwells you so you can be empowered to do what you cannot do on your own.”
Time passes between the anointing and the fulfillment of God’s plan and purpose. The waiting God allows us to do prepares us for what He is going to trust us to endure. Pricilla said, “Often servanthood and submission mark the truest test of the anointed person. David was no less anointed by God when serving than later when he sat on the throne.”
Drive-By Chronicles: Sidewayz full The Santa Clause 2 trailer “David’s anointing was not merely to lead… That same anointing was to empower him to walk the road to his destination and fulfill each obligation along the way. God empowered him not just to rule as king but to have patience until he sat on the throne, to submit to authority, to serve and to have faith in God’s promise despite the circumstances.”
Abraham was undoubtedly going to be “the father of many nations” from the time God promised that he would be, yet God allowed him to wait a long time, through many seasons, until that promise would come to fulfillment. There were some things God wanted to prepare him for—for example—getting to a place where he knew without question that Isaac was a gift and belonged to God no matter what God asked of Abraham.
As we learned in our lesson this week, opposition to the anointing can come at anytime, even while waiting to begin to step into the work of their specific calling. We see in the accounts of David, Abraham, Joseph, Moses, Esther, Daniel, Job, Paul, and so many others, times of grief, hardship, opposition, attack, false accusation and waiting. Through these times of trial God begins to prepare them and strengthen them for the ministry He would call them to. Through the waiting seasons they become more prepared to walk righteously and live more devotedly to God.
Even Jesus experienced a waiting time. He was competently debating Scripture in the Temple at twelve years of age but did not begin His ministry for eighteen more years. God was at work preparing the world to receive His Son and preparing His Son to fulfill His purpose.
One of the things God has been teaching me is, instead of only asking for deliverance, I need to come to a place of asking God for more fortitude to endure and for clarity about what it is that He may be trying to teach me in waiting times.
Cam was unexpectedly laid-off at the end of September. Initially, my response was to trust God, to have peace, to wait on God for whatever door he may choose to open next. As the weeks passed I began to notice that my prayers had changed to “Just fix it now…please”. One day as I was praying that way, I knew in my Spirit that God’s response was, “If I did that now you wouldn’t learn what I need you to learn and you wouldn’t have to depend on me like you do now. I want you close to me more than I want your “problem” to go away.”
I didn’t like that response but I knew He was right. At a minimum, He wanted to work on some very deep and painful issues relating to trust and providing that I didn’t even know were still affecting me.
God called me to be obedient and to face what I didn’t want to. Yet, He did not ask me to face it alone or without His empowerment. As I surrendered He began a new work in me. I didn’t give in and talk myself out of allowing Him complete access to all of it. Unfortunately, although I am freer and feel like a huge weight has been lifted—this wasn’t a fix for all time. I will have to continue to allow Him to take his time and continued access to this particular wound that He may insure that it heals well. It still hurts when he attends to it and has to re-dresses it.
The following are a few principles from the book, “God Will Make a Way” by Cloud and Townsend (the authors of Boundaries). We need to sow whatever seed God gives us. It’s important to wait without trying to hurry God up. One key to help us tolerate time’s passage is to actively get involved in the process of development that God has for us. Waiting time has different seasons—we have new beginnings, growth, harvest, and times of hibernating where things look bleak.
It’s not easy to submit to the tasks of the season you’re in. Time and seasons are the context in which God prepares us and transforms us.
We have a tendency to see the waiting as a problem to be solved but often it can actually be a solution to the real problem God may want to address. God may not be answering our prayer to “fix it” because the obvious problem isn’t really a problem. Sometimes there’s something in us or in someone else that God is addressing. We need to trust Him and seek Him in the waiting times and seasons.
Psalm 130:5-8
5 I wait for the LORD, my soul waits,
and in his word I put my hope.
6 My soul waits for the Lord
more than watchmen wait for the morning,
more than watchmen wait for the morning.7
O Israel, put your hope in the LORD,
for with the LORD is unfailing love
and with him is full redemption.8 He himself will redeem Israel
from all their sins. The Frighteners release
I’ve felt like it’s been winter in my soul, but I am hopeful because that means spring is just around the corner. What season are you in?
